Martin McGuinness needs the vision and enterprise of Sam Walton, not Denis Guiney

There are times when an onlooker would wonder if some of the candidates in the presidential election could survive the election campaign, never mind the 7-year term of the presidency.

They continue to shadow box without disclosing anything positive and inspiring  that could genuinely supportive that has a wow factor. Each of them must appeal beyond the narrow core of support, or is it tolerance, that is reflected in their favour in the opinion polls.

Sinn Féin, for example, are engaged in this contest from a background of subverting the interests, stability and institutions of the State – slaughtering Gardaí, not recognising the legitimacy of the courts despite familiarity with courtrooms. It is as if a proverbial sow’s ear has become a silk purse with candidate McGuinness proposing to salute, as commander-and-chief, the honour guards of the nation’s military while aspiring to become a 32-county president ‘without offending unionists’.

Why would Sinn Féin be seeking to incubate the Irish presidency, feigning acknowledgment of the institutions of the ‘Free State’ while continuing to draw the salaries and expenses derivable from the seats they won at Westminster but not turning up for work? The Westminster seats are based on single-seat constituencies so the archaic stunt of not turning up for work means that all constituents of Sinn Féin MP’s are deprived of effective parliamentary representation. Is there not something absurdly pathetic about standing in front of an Irish electorate seeking to become their head of state at a cut price while taking the Queen’s shilling but not deliberating on the legislative programme that impacts the lives, welfare and prospects of thousands of people in Northern Ireland of all and no political persuasion?  Is parliamentary representation not the most fundamental civil right in a democracy?

The strategy of Martin McGuinness to the presidential election is reminiscent to that of retailer Denis Guiney in the 1950’s ‘pile them high but sell them cheap’. But Guiney’s approach has become obsolete and his retail enterprise never expanded.  McGuinness, perhaps, needs to think like Sam Walton, founder of WalMart.

If he is so much in favour of change and of air brushing history why does his party not propose something more radical – such as taking their seats in Westminster and doing the peoples business and if McGuinness won the election and he were to continue to reside in the North he could imbue the rest of the population with a flavour of what a post united Ireland might be like!

A mandate to become President of Ireland or a camouflage for congenital laziness and inertia?

The Irish people are about to be asked to make a 7-year commitment on the 27th October when they choose they next President.  They are entitled to be provided with an intelligent insight into the qualities, qualifications and limitations of the panel of candidates and how each of them intends to conduct that office. 

The Irish Times in its edition of 3^rd October has given the candidates in the Irish presidential election a platform to set out their stall under the banner ‘Why I should be President’. Each of them manages to convey absolutely nothing to answer this question.

Mary Davis wants ‘to make a contribution to Ireland’s recovery; restoration of pride at home and reputation across the world’. She does not indicate how she intends to accomplish this. But, like an observer on the upper deck of a double-deck bus she has seen others overcome adversity. As a member of the Council of State she has observed the protection of the Constitution. She advises that “the presidency is about ‘influence’ – using your voice as president to speak for all the people of Ireland, especially those for whom Ireland has not been a welcoming place; about using the office to promote fairness, equality and respect for every person in the country and playing a more expansive international role”.  How has this candidate obtained influence and used it throughout her career?

To whom will her voice be directed to achieve these desirable objectives? What is fairness? How can a President inculcate respect for every person? Where will the more expansive international role be conducted and who on the international will make a difference? She doesn’t indicate which languages she is proficient in so as to expand the international footprint.  The electorate need to understand the precise scope and nature of the intended contribution.

Sean Gallagher wants to put enterprise at the heart of the next presidency. How will his concept of enterprise be juxtaposed with the dynamics of a free marketplace? He wants to become involved in trade missions. Where would he travel to and who would he meet? What would he say when met the target audience? How would he select his targets?

But it is not the function of the President of Ireland to lead trade missions. Dialogue with business people is a components of a President’s international mandate but the responsibility for execution and delivery rests with a Government minister. Gallagher fails to indicate an understanding of the function. Other people are paid handsomely to accomplish what he thinks he could achieve. The nation needs an inspiring statesman in the role of President, not a technician with modest accomplishments.

Michael D Higgins wants inclusive citizenship in a creative society. He does not elaborate on what barriers need to be removed to progress this and how he, as President, can remove them. What is inclusive citizenship? How might I feel if I were included in this process? He is almost 70 years old. Will his health and stamina be robust enough to be an effective President?

David Norris continues to wander around his own personal hall of fame. He wants to put the welfare of people at the centre of political culture. Is that not a role for the leaders of political parties? He believes the role of President needs to be reinvented so that the image of Ireland evokes a smile but fails to elucidate in what direction he would reinvent it.

Gay Mitchell is concerned about the number of suicides and elsewhere I read that he is proposing that the Irish President should become joint head of state in Northern Ireland. Mitchell has been in politics for decades. Why has he had no influence on suicide trends and what exactly does he believe the President can do about this trend? The election is being fought on the basis of the Constitution. How does he propose to effect his proposal with respect to Northern Ireland? Perhaps he might emulate President Obama if he were to seek to also become the joint President of Russia. Credibility rather than hallucinogenic thinking might offer more grounded leadership.

Martin McGuinness wants to construct a new republic in which he would be President of people in the 32 counties of Ireland – whether they want this or not. He wants to make employment the cornerstone of his presidency – but in which part of his kingdom will the jobs become available and who will be the employers? He wants to overhaul what he describes as the archaic mode of selecting candidates but he does not elaborate on what the nature of his implied change might be.  How will he deal with conflicts of interest between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland?

Dana presents herself as an entertainer and a business woman. We know she sings hymns but the electorate has no idea as to what her business experience is or how successful she has been in this field. She wants to be an ardent protector of the Constitution. Her presidency will be a catalyst to overcome intolerance and eliminate barriers. How does she intend to do that?

If each of these candidates were to set out what accomplishments they aim to achieve in the second year of the 7-year term the electorate might have some idea as to where their compass is pitched. These vignettes lack candour, conviction or credibility. But this opinion piece is merely a trawl of a stream of consciousness that contains no analysis; an unfocused immature internal monologue. The tragedy is that this pathetic posturing could shroud the egotistical ambitions of lazy, incompetent people unfit for the role of head of state who would become a massive reputational time bomb as President of Ireland.

Irish presidential election a magnet for the maudlin’ and the mediocre

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The Irish presidential election campaign has attracted a motley compendium of the irretrievably mediocre, the almost-sedated and the infinitely deluded and more kindred spirits are emerging. All share the common characteristic of not demonstrating a basic understanding of  what the role and function of an Irish Head of State is and that the President is the first of all citizens, including those in ‘Dublin 4’ and the fat, rich and smug.

This weekend it seemed as though a posse of salesmen specialising in providing a tarmacadam surface on the driveways of suburban houses had begun to compete against each other when one of the aspirants, 72-year old Laurence Murphy (aka Labhrás Ó’Murchú) proclaimed, in what was possibly the first widely broadcast comment in his 14-year career in Seanad Éireann, that he would take on the role of President at no salary whatsoever – so desperate is he for recognition. Not to be outdone in the bidding war Martin McGuinness offered to take on the role at a salary of no more than €35,000 per annum.

The McGuinness bid equates to the average industrial wage but comes with the promise of a mawkish, welfare-saturated ‘New Republic’ – whatever that is. 

But having had a genuinely superb President in Mary McAleese for the past 14 years the Irish electorate are unlikely to grovel around seeking merely a candidate with the potential to develop into an average President to replace her. They are seeking someone with the potential to be a world-class statesman – as she is, not a cardboard cut-out whose limited capacity will merely offer a cheap and cheerful presidency - heavy on rhetoric but light on impact.

When Martin McGuinness tells us that if he were elected President that he would accept remuneration no greater than €35,000 per annum and advises that his legacy as an IRA commander should be conveniently disregarded and even excised from our imagination. He also neglects to mention that he draws the full salary and expense as a member of parliament for Mid Ulster – but never goes to work in Westminster. This, no doubt, resonates with the thousands of malingers in other walks of life who also fail to turn up for work.

But perhaps McGuinness is confusing the concepts of cost and values. If the average industrial wage was to become the critical benchmark when choosing a Head of State the electorate would ask candidates’ for quotations and consider the merits of the lowest bidder. But the qualities required to safeguard Bunreacht na hÉireann and the heritage of a proud nation are priceless.

A presidential election is fundamentally about values and, specifically, which candidates’ are best qualified to safeguard the Constitution and reflect the values, spirit, prestige and dignity of our nation – in a manner that typically find expression in the sophisticated, prosperous democracies of Northern Europe but not in fragile, obsessive-compulsive tin-pot statelets elsewhere across the globe.

Irish people, as a whole, have been outraged at the brutal campaign of terrorism in which McGuinness played such a prominent and protracted role; a campaign that retarded the development of society for decades leaving Northern Ireland economically paralysed with a much lower level of prosperity, self-sufficiency and economic vitality.

They abhorred the menacing threats to the security, stability and integrity of the institutions of our State. They were incandescent and outraged each time a member of the Gardaí was callously slaughtered and they were appalled at the contemptuous disregard for the exclusive authority of our military forces to defend us.

Therefore, the first and major priority for candidate McGuinness is to demonstrate the credibility of his credentials to become President and commander-and-chief of the military. He needs to persuade the electorate that our sense of nationhood would be diminished were he not to prevail. The salary-cost of the Presidency is secondary to the stature, calibre and overall suitability of the successful incumbent.

Furthermore, if McGuinness did win the hearts and votes of the electorate he could propose that the Irish presidential mansion be relocated to Londonderry or Fermanagh so as to give the public a flavour of what life would be like in a ‘united Ireland’.  Aras an Uachtarain could sold in a package with the National Lottery.  If the buyer turned out to be a gambling consortium the Aras might be converted to a casino and this might obviate the desire to build a replica pastiche version of The White House in Two Mile Borris, Co Tipperary.

Irish investment boom follows implementation of An Bord Snip Nua report recommendations

The Chairman of the Special Group on Public Service Numbers and Expenditure, Colm McCarthy, expressed astonishment, pleasant surprise and delight at the positive impact of the recommendations in his report, the synergies made possible by the recent reunification of Ireland, the relocation of the Oireachtas to Stormont and the nation’s readmission to the Commonwealth.

The island’s dormant development agencies are also to be revitalised, according to a joint announcement yesterday by An Taoiseach, Peter Robinson TD, An Tánaiste, Martin McGuinness MP, MLA and the Cathaoirleach of the Seanad, Sammy Wilson.

The existing multiplicity of economic development agencies are to be disbanded and a new centralised agency established. It will be known as the Royal Industrial Development Executive (RIDE) and is to be headquartered at Fr Seán Fortune House, Culaville, Co Armagh. RIDE will have overall responsibility for the island’s industrial development effort and prosperity.

Shannon Development, which has been unable to function effectively following the mothballing of Shannon Airport in the late 1990’s and the subsequent obsolescence of Morse Code, will now have special responsibility for industrial development in the Bogside and Waterside districts of Co. Londonderry. It is currently examining several technology transfer opportunities with clients in Zimbabwe, Pyongyang, Havana and Afghanistan.

The mandate of Údurás na Gaelteachta is to be extended to Baile Andersun, Ardoyne and other Gaelic-speaking areas of West Belfast. Mary-Lou McDonald is to become its chief executive. She will operate from its Clifden headquarters and is to be provided with a Harley Davidson motorcycle instead of a traditional Lada to save money.

The Government is anxious that RIDE will have a dynamic, visionary chief executive supported by a small, effective and relevant board of directors. In keeping with its new spirit of parity of esteem, the board will be selected by The Equality Authority and comprise two former terrorists (one from the former Republic of Ireland and one from what was formerly Northern Ireland), one evangelical clergyman, the son of a Roman Catholic bishop and two innocent victims of terrorism, one a Protestant and the other a Roman Catholic. Mr McGuinness emphasised that the new board must include among its members persons who have strong commercial and financial credentials, even if this expertise was gained in gun running, money laundering, tiger kidnapping, tax-evasion by bank directors’, concealing directors’ loans, racketeering, extortion and drug smuggling. “We must use all the talents available. There will be no glass ceilings or closed doors in Culaville. Parity of esteem must not be seen as mere tokenism”, he hissed as he waved a crutch in his right hand.

The new chief executive is likely to be a Muslim and the leading candidate has undertaken to host a special social function in Limerick and greet her staff personally each Christmas and at the conclusion of Ramadan, rather than through her male secretary’s e-mail, which had been the tradition in the former development agencies of Saorstát Éireann. The 1,100 staff of the new agency will consist of not less than 75 grades, all grades doing equivalent work but each enjoying unique working hours, holiday entitlements and expense account regimes. This will enable them rehearse frequently with their flute band – which is being established as a shared service that will play at both Protestant and Roman Catholic funerals. Staff will not have job titles, or a job definition. Annual merit awards will be determined at a top-secret séance conducted in a 4-berth caravan outside Drumcree parish church each November. Recipient of merit awards will be notified discreetly by MI5. White Toyota Hiace vans (well, a million knackers can’t be wrong!) and former troop personnel carriers will be used to ferry visiting businessmen around the country. Particular attention will be paid to staff communications. Recognising the critical importance of keeping staff totally ignorant of ongoing developments that concern them, the traditional purple shroud of secrecy will be maintained as will avoidance of all social eye-contact, personal rapport or rapprochement between servants and their masters. Emergency information maybe obtained from the top shelf of any Tesco store.

Gender balance in state agencies is no longer a priority due to the urgent need to repopulate the island following 40 years of sexual inertia. Promotional opportunities to more senior, self-esteem enhancing positions will be strictly determined through a process of gerrymandering to ensure parity of esteem. Successful applicants will be identified from the platform at the conclusion of the annual Bar Mitzvah ceremony in Edenderry after the traditional 12^th of July parade.

Yesterday, Mr Robinson thundered that “I utterly deplore the grossly inadequate efforts of the old free state nationalist parliament to tackle industrial development.” He particularly deplored their impotence following the 1993 Maastricht Treaty which caused every shred of market power to be sucked into the centre of Europe. The new Government, he stated, has a holistic approach to the urgent national job creation effort. Under this, RIDE will have a name that does not obscure its purpose. Robinson said that names like Forbairt and Forfás “were more evocative of a drug to cure bovine impotence or an epidural anaesthesia, rather than a modern, focused investment agency. The days of the public being taken for a ride on the jobs issue are over!”.

Robinson also stated that The Commonwealth Medal is to be awarded to citizens of outstanding merit. It will no longer be government practice to appoint well-meaning sycophants to the boards of state companies to either honour their eminence or acknowledge their bulging brown envelopes.

County enterprise boards, which between them had 504 directors and 34 employees are to be discontinued but the former director’s will form a National Commemoration Committee that will organise the annual pilgrimage to Bodenstown for Fianna Fáil, now largely a spent parliamentary force since its huge losses in the June general election and especially Peter Robinson winning a Dáil seat in North Kerry. The remainder will replace the members of the Army Number 1 band who were forced to retire due to deafness.

RIDE will have a completely invigorated approach to industrial development. Following a review of its corporate plan the document will be formally lodged in a vault in Milltown Cemetery to avoid the prying eyes of staff curious about its implementation.

New overseas offices will be opened in centres of ‘world-class’ technological excellence – including Tirana, Kabul, Gaza, Darfur and Harare. All existing US offices will be closed to reduce the organisation’s carbon footprint and because the recent bankruptcy of Aer Lingus has severed air links with that country. A white flag will be flown over the existing office in Tokyo and Shanghai to encourage trade enquiries. All other overseas offices will display a black flag to commemorate each investment project but an embossed refuse bin lid, bearing the RIDE logo, is to be displayed at the site of each new investment in Ireland, even in circumstances where the chief executive concerned is gay, or laid low by swine flu.

RIDE will come into operation at the end of August. The Archbishop of Armagh, His Eminence Cardinal Pat Buckley will travel to Armagh from his hideout in Cloyne to celebrate a special ecumenical service and the flower arrangements in Armagh Cathedral will be made by Twink and Dana, who will interrupt their holiday at the international break-dancing academy in Gweedore.